My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?

Me: And this is something that’s important to you?

He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.

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Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.


If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.


There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.


Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”


*watching The Revenant*


Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.


Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie


[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye


I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.


WIFE: That won’t work

ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?


Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.