My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
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me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
Hmm, not sure about this change
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
KFC hitting the cannibal market
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?