My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?

Me: And this is something that’s important to you?

He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.

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*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!

*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*


*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.


Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.


Rules for being a good neighbor:
2. Don’t forget rule number one.


1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.


The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”


I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.


The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother


I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.


QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.