My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
You Might Also Like
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
PER MY LAST EMAIL
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
My love language is deader than Latin
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”