My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father

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I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.


If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.


Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.

Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?

Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?


I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards


Job interview:

– Good morning

– Good morning

– Have you got a twitter account?

– Yes

– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you


I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14


im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion


The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.


Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh