
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies