My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
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Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins