Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.

ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start

My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.

waiter: would you like the bill?

me: no thanks

“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”

~ Not an old Irish proverb

Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.

sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory

Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.

2: ok

I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.

Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.

*leans in for a kiss*

DENTIST: stop that

I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.

Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”

Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man

My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone

…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…

[Chapstick Season]

Me: We’re swimming in debt

Wife: It’s fine

Me: The kids are going nuts

Wife: They’re fine

Me: You haven’t had a break in months

Wife: I’m fine

Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means

Wife: I’M FINE

Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—

Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*

In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.

“Laura, can you come and let me out?”

[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.

Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet

It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.

Sorry I’m late, traffic is exactly how it’s been every day for the past 5 years, and I was not expecting that.

Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad

REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch

WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare

ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT

If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.

Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.

Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?

Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?

Interviewer: You’re hired!

*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing

Please, I have a family

me: [waking from coma] how long was I out

doc: two years, but I have terrible news

me: what

doc: it’s still March