my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
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If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again