My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
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Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?