My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
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me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Sign of the day..
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
I’M CRYINGGG
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
Can’t, holding a grudge