My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
You Might Also Like
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start