my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
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The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
He-man has a Masters degree