MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
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Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
Oh no
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
finally found a reasonable question
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
Chicago sounds lovely.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.