My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
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<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”