My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
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I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia