My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
You Might Also Like
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs