my dad has had enough
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[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
I’m not alone. I have ants.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..