[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
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Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants