My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
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My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun