My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
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I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
dream blunt rotation
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
what it’s like dating me:
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.