[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
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Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards