My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
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Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin