My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
You Might Also Like
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
wishing you and yours all the best
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
New favorite tiktok
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?