My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
You Might Also Like
How to properly lift a body
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
12653.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
socratic questions