My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
You Might Also Like
How to properly lift a body
My boss called in sick of me
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
Is anyone gonna tell them?
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.