My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
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[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?