My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
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Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.