my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
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I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Eggs benadryl my favourite
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.