My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
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[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.