@OhNoSheTwitnt

My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.

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@dreamsinchocola

My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.

@david8hughes

“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”

@TheWriteStuff2u

I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.

@BYGH

I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.

@badbanana

Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.

@Carbosly

Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.

@Marlebean

Costume idea:

Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.

@jakelikesnaps

“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H