My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
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this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.