@dreamsinchocola My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
@OhNoSheTwitnt My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
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@dreamsinchocola 
@shanethevein Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
@david8hughes “911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
@TheWriteStuff2u I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
@videojame_ me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
@BYGH I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
@badbanana Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
@Carbosly Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
@Marlebean Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
@jakelikesnaps “Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H