My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
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Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.