My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
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I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it