My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
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If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Important reminders
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
12. I think about this all the damn time
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother