My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
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Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”