My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
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Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.