My dad teaching me to drive
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Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.