My dad teaching me to drive
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You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
yes… yes…
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong