My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.
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LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
[loses house key, starts a new life]
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
The 6 types of sex
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
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I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
I don’t think my car can fly
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.