My dad told me a guy who claimed to be the drummer for steppenwolf stole his wallet in the Sacramento airport so I pulled up a picture and he was like “wow that’s the guy”
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“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Carpe DM
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
this picture pisses me off so bad. no bread or cheese but we brought the fucking pinecones. i’d be so pissed if my girlys showed up to the picnic with this shit. id be taking big bites of that pine cone saying MMM YUMMY just to make a point
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Stork: I have a baby.
Pigeon: I have the mail.
Canary: I have bad news.