My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
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Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Wake me when AI does housework
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious