‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
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The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges