My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
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Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Need this in my life lol
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.