My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
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@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
Storm Tropical Storm
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…