My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
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me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail