My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
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Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.