My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
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My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.