my dad would read teen books as they were becoming popular so if we asked to read them he knew if they were appropriate, which means that he read the entire twilight saga before i did and was like, “i mean you can read it if you want but it’s really weird.”
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
being human is disgusting sometimes but i don’t think i’d want to be a fish
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Me after TurboTax asks me to confirm I’ve reviewed all of the documents (I don’t understand anything)
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
To whom it may concern,
My family isn’t missing so I suspect you have the wrong address.
Please stop posting me human fingers.Many thanks
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
