My dad.
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My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
this FaceApp is creepy af
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?