My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
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[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.