My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
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We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.