old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
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Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.