my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…

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Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since


Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.

To remind myself that I control the list.


Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.

Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.


[Getting chased by cops after heist]

Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.



Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.



This looks like lead poisoning to me!

*Tugs nervously at his collar*


Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.


DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text

DOG FRIEND: which color heart?

DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one



HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*


[straw house]

Wolf: [big inhale]

[gun cock from inside]

Wolf: [soft exhale]