Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are

Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”

Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”

My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.

ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok

[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?

[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.

People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor

If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor

Me My dog

1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.

Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.

If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.

Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!

Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?

Caesar: Et tu, Brute?

Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.

Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos

It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.

Kids… I meant my kids.

CONCERT

AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!

her: i only date woke guys

me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia

Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.

Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.

You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.

me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:

him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?

still him: oh dude, that’s my bong

[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]

Dog: I guess I could protect you?

Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket

“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*

Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.

Scream sneezers need love too.

For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.

Waiter: May I recommend the steak?

Dracula: You may not

Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this

“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids

My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it

*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*

[wife texts me from France]

“Really?”