my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
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Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.