My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
You Might Also Like
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?